It’s now 2011, and I find myself resistant to do one of those wrap-up posts or to talk about my resolutions for the new year. Yet, there is something to be said for taking stock, for looking back at the road behind you, and looking ahead at the path you have yet to take.

Personally, as with every year, it was a series of ups and downs. I was still dealing a lot at the beginning of the year with my mother’s death and that was something that took a toll. But somewhere in the past twelve months, I found a measure of peace and especially toward the second half of the year, peace and happiness seem to have worked their way into my life in a more regular fashion.

Professionally, at least on the writing front, things improved significantly in the past year. Aside from acquiring an agent, I also had three stories published this past year, and a few more accepted for publication. I also had my first solo reading at World Fantasy. And there were podcast narrations and blog posts for Tor.com.

But I find myself looking ahead rather than looking back, at the things I see glimmering on the horizon. As happy as I am with my successes, I see more of them ahead, I see things that I want dearly, and I see the work I’m going to have to do to get there. The challenge is to put in the work and the effort and hope that it pays off.

When I was at Clarion West in 2008, Chuck Palahniuk suggested to us that we all come up with goals for the successive year, and encouraged us to make them as big as possible.  In his experience it was the people who did this that often went on to great success. I stated my goals and thought it took longer than a year, met them. I think the beginning of 2011 may be the time to do so again. And thought my natural inclination is not to do so in a public forum, that flies against the spirit of the exercise, so if I do so, I’ll do it here.

Happy New Year to everyone reading this. I hope that you accomplish everything you set out to do and that 2011 is a wonderful year for you.

One of the reasons for me not being here recently is that I have been having trouble with my WordPress installation, or at least with some plugins that were causing me some trouble. Fingers crossed, but I think I’ve fixed the issue finally. Which allows me to post some recent news soon which I’ve been meaning to share for a little while.

But also just to post thoughts and observations as well. It’s been a while since I’ve blogged for myself or anyone.Expect a post soon…

Plugin test.

I know it’s been a while since I last posted anything of substance. WordPress and website woes were the culprit for part of the time and I guess I just got used to not blogging as a result. I still have to deal with a faulty plugin. But I wanted to wish all my Jewish friends a Happy Chanukah.

I celebrated in my own heathen way last night with this gift set from Shmaltz Brewing Company. Their He’brew Jewbelation is always one of my favorite beers with each release and this gift set includes a twelve ounce bottle of each of the releases from 8-14 as well as a blend of all those that’s been aged in rye whiskey barrels. To make it even more fun, the bottles are meant to be used with candles (and come with candles) to form a beer menorah.

Last night I opened the first of the beers, the Jewbelation 8. Tonight, I’ll open the 9 and so on until ending with the Vertical Jewbelation (the blend).

Shmaltz are also setting up events all month long in NY and other cities with the various Jewbelation beers on tap and others (like Coney Island) as well. They’re one of my favorite breweries so I’d suggest checking them out.

And while it’s not Chanukah related, I also got as a gift an advent calendar, so I’m looking forward to opening that every day this month and, soon, decorating my apartment.

Are you doing anything fun for the holidays?

I had a sad day this past weekend. I don’t know why. Maybe it was the fact that I just gave up coffee and I was bereft of its mood-enhancing abilities. Or maybe my life has just been so full of happiness lately that I was owed some sadness. It doesn’t matter.

But as I often do at such times, I thought of my mother. And I thought of how she was the one person in my life, the one person in the world, who ever truly loved me unconditionally. Don’t get me wrong  – the rest of my family loves me. I don’t doubt that. But my mother loved in a way that was threaded through with acceptance. With the idea that I love you for everything that you are and everything that you can be and despite all the things inside yourself that you might consider flaws or weaknesses. It was a love that said – you can be yourself, and I will always be there for you.

Only she’s no longer there. And that pretty much sucks.

It’s a tough realization. To know that the safety net is gone. To know that when you’re scared and lonely, when the world turns its face away, that there’s nowhere to go. No safe, warm embrace to take shelter in. It makes the world more cold and lonely.

Then I was reading about the series of suicides lately by LGBT teens (Raymond Chase, Tyler Clementi, Asher Brown, Billy Lucas, and Seth Walsh) who have been facing persecution and intolerance and it just pushed me over the edge. I can’t claim to know what it’s like to grow up gay in an intolerant climate. I can’t really imagine what it feels like to face that kind of hatred and lack of acceptance at every turn. I can only claim to know what it’s like to feel different, to feel alone and misunderstood and like something of a Changeling left behind in a child’s place. And if that is just the tiniest fraction of what these kids are feeling then that crushes my heart into tiny pieces. I want them all to have someone like my mother who will love and accept them for who they are. I want them all to have communities that will stand up against all aspects of homophobia. I’m heartened to see LGBT adults like Dan Savage and Ellen Degeneres reaching out to these kids and trying to explain that things will get better. I hope it reaches people. I hope it helps to bring some light into dark places.

When I was a freshman at university, living on an all-male floor in a dorm, there was this one kid, Jim, who came out during the year. As far as I know he wasn’t tormented, but he was certainly treated differently. And the other guys would talk about him behind his back. I never did. But I will always despise myself for not defending him. For not speaking up. I saw him a few years later at a pride parade in NY and he seemed happy and doing well and we talked for a bit and I was glad. But I will always remember him and how I basically failed in being the kind of person I want to be.

Doing nothing is not enough. Doing nothing right now is leading to kids dying. Doing nothing means leaving people alone to suffer while the world tears at them from all sides. I don’t know what it is that I can do right now, but I want to do something. I need to do something.

So I will. Why don’t you join me?